for writers of erotica in the Pacific Northwest

Posts tagged “deal breakers

Dealbreakers and other distractions

So delicious Gwen, leader of Submission in Motion, has started posting daily writing prompts.

DG (Delicious Gwen):

Question of the Day for Dominants, and writing prompt for submissives: ( This is something I am going to try to do every day.) 

For Dominants: What are your deal breakers? 

Submissives writing prompt: I feel most submissive when…

 

I decided to play along. Writing this when I actually have some fiction I should be working on ie the sex on the beach with a sea goddess, sex alfresco (which I’m wondering if the editors will accept the old broken washer, hang the laundry outside sex story or if I should just revamp it for them so it’s “new”) the Russian transexual ballerina at the edge of the japo-russian war novella which weaves the gay ballet theme against a Russian fairy tale and the layers of “hiding” in plain sight. Or a poetry book mss for Headmistress Press.

So dealbreakers…

My favorite answer to this question is HONESTY but that’s not exactly true is it? There are all sorts of ways in which people are and can be dishonest some of them active, some passive, some just wildly self-deluded. People define a lie in the same slippery way they define “sex” so that it includes and excludes whatever they want. First you define yourself as a non-liar and then by extension everything you do is a non-lie.

My long-term slave sometimes pretends to be asleep or not to have heard me or to be distracted with something if she sees a request coming of something she really doesn’t want to do. And while this type of deception pisses me off and insults my intelligence (she has decided it’s not a lie if it’s “unprove-able” ie how do you prove that someone wasn’t asleep, out of earshot or distracted), sometimes I let it slide. Because in the larger picture in an M/s relationship she’s not allowed to say “No”. Well, she can but it’s more like “yes, but” as in “yes, but can I finish this first” or BUT as in “but I thought we decided not to hang new curtains until you checked out the price of blinds” or “BUT I just sat down to play minecraft and all of my pigs are escaping.”

 

So what are a slave’s choices in that situation? She can do as she’s asked whenever she’s asked (and truthfully she does pretty good at that and I’m fairly impossible to please because I had in mind exactly how it should be done and that wasn’t it… like when I say “wash this”, the next time I ask for it, I expect it handed to me neat and clean not “oh, it’s in the hamper waiting until I have a full load.”) but can she do it cheerfully? Sorry to disappoint you Goreans. I’ve had a lot of slave girls over the decades but no one in a 24/7 lifestyle is cheerful about your laundry or task d’jour all the time. If she’s visiting for a long weekend, okay. But if this is a live-in, fulltime gig every time you interrupt a game, a phone call, a tv show or a task of hers to put your demand to the front of the queue, there will be the heavy drag of sullen feet, an eye-roll or even, forfend!, the terrible sigh.

 

I don’t know about you but for me THE SIGH is a rage-baiter. I will scream “WTF! If you have something to say say it. Otherwise STFU!” To which every slave everywhere says “I didn’t say anything.”

So when she’s lying there pretending to sleep when I call her to bring me something that she obviously thinks I can get myself or do without, sometimes I let the lie lay. We both know the score. If I want it and I want HER to get it, all I have to do is raise my voice and “wake her up”.

 

It isn’t strictly honest. So honesty isn’t always a dealbreaker. But it can be. Telling me everything is fine, and then posting a long rant on Facebook or Fetlife about how everything isn’t fine, is an unforgivable offense in my book.  First you have a responsibility to communicate with your domme. (My job is to manage fuckall everything and I can’t do that with incomplete information.) So you’ve failed at your job and set me up to fail at my job and then you go on some public forum to draw ridicule/attention to my “failure” as your domme and to solicit sympathy from strangers?

This is not to say you can’t bitch to your friends. Of course, you can. An owner who won’t let you have friends is a psychopath, drop the laptop and run away now. You can even bitch to the friends who don’t like me. (If you can find any, I’m pretty damn likable.)

But the public rant is clearly meant to get back to me. Someone will point it out to me.

Them: “Sorry, you guys are having trouble.”

Me: “I’m sorry too. Uh, what trouble?”

Now instead of taking to me about a feeling or a need and making a request of specific action, I have a diary entry that rails against the unfairness of any world with me in and the hopelessness of any positive outcome plus a chorus of people reassuring her that none of it is her fault and if she needs a new domme or domicile moving vans are waiting for her call.

As far as I am concerned this is the only logical function of the public hue and cry. Damsel in distress putting herself on the auction  block. At a minimum, it is meant as a threat putting the domme on notice. If the domme’s actions are criminal, abusive, bizarre or otherwise unintelligible, it can make sense to say “Has anyone else had the experience of Domme doing (insert objectionable action) and how did you deal with it?” Jesus, there are whole forums for that kind of dialogue. No one who isn’t stalking you (including me) is going to find that or object to it. And if my/her/their actions require remedying then that’s what community is there for to say “Get the hell out of dodge, girl. Your owner is crazy.”

But there are people out there with butterfly nets trying to swoop every chickadee out of the nest. It seems to be a dating strategy. Or rather an instead-of-dating strategy. Rescue dommes beware. Most of those wounded birds, that you think in the right hands would be perfect slaves (because she said “in the right hands I’d be perfect”) are just drama queens looking for some place to rest before they take flight again.

Dealbreakers: drama without function (I can live with a little theatre as long as it moves the plot or the agenda forward ie things get better), inability to accept criticism or do self-critical analysis, endless self-criticism/pitiful/irritating negative narcissism, dishonest in dealing with others (theft, cheating –not while you’re wearing my collar!), chronic dissatisfaction, cupboard/door-slamming, anti-community behavior.

Chronic dissatisfaction is when someone says they want to do whatever you want but then everything you suggest is “not that”. Goldilocks syndrome every spanking is too hard, too soft, just not right. I usually weed the Goldilocks masochists out in the preplay negotiation. Trust me… you really don’t want to own that. It’s like buying a car that looks amazing on the show room floor but is too fussy to drive off the lot.

Anti-community behavior is a situational evaluation. Often one of things people see as anti-community is “Gossip”. And I would agree that using the community grapevine to destroy someone’s relationships or reputation is serious. But far worse is to sit by and say nothing and allow predators and abusers and thieves to seek out new victims when you have information that could have prevented it.

Playing with known predators is a dealbreaker for me. I have ended long-term friendships over this. Inviting them into your dungeon, play party or scene-ing with them is an endorsement. I’m fairly stingy with my endorsements. If you have it, you’ve earned it. I am harder on dominants than submissives. Although the submissives who’ve earned a “warning away” label from me, may not agree.