That’s where I found it. Thankfully sans illustration -but if you’re a woman with a smart phone, you have a dick pic or two indelibly tattooed in your brain.
I am reprinting the article without permission below… because it’s from 2016 and links are notoriously unreliable over time. But please become a Patron of McSweeney’s (or us). Share your admiration (not your dick pix).
MARCH 8, 2016
FAMOUS AUTHORS REPLY TO YOUR UNSOLICITED DICK PIC
IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a smart phone may not be in want of your dick pic.
However little known the feelings or views of such a woman may be on her first opening a text, this misconception is so well fixed in the minds of the men online, that she is considered as the rightful viewer of their penises.
My dear sir! Have you not heard that women may not enjoy your images? It is true, for my friend has just been here, and we talked all about it. Do not you want to know what we thought of it?
Well, my dear, you must know, we agree that your penis is obviously one of a young man of large fortune in the southern region; but that you don’t care at all for the maintenance of your private area, and we were much disgusted with it and did not enjoy viewing it; and sincerely request that you send me no more, and remember that no woman of sensibility wishes to wake up to your cock before their own cock crows with its morning’s call.
There it was before me — your dick pic. Your dick pic: I thought but I did not finish my thought. I took a look at the image, for I had a constant sense of it there, something turgid, something imposing, which I shared neither with my friends nor my Twitter followers. A sort of interaction went on between us, in which I was on one side, and your dick pic was on another, and I was always trying to zoom in on it, as it was of me; and sometimes we eyed each other (when I was alone); there were, I remember, furtive staring scenes; but for the most part, understandably enough, I must admit that I felt this thing that I called your dick pic was sudden, intrusive, and would be quick to pounce on me if I gave it a chance.
What happens when your dick pic is ignored?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?
Most true is it that “beauty is in the eye of the gazer.” Your colorless penis, turgid, massive head, broad and hairless balls, deep eye, strong shaft, firm, rounded head, — is not disgusting, according to rule; but it is more than disgusting to me; admittedly it is full of power, an image that quite mesmerized me, — that took my thoughts from my own volition and tethered them to your penis. I had intended to want you; I had struggled strongly to grow within my soul the seeds of want; but now, at the first erected view of you, they spontaneously die, shriveled and impotent.”
Out of your sack and follicle’s nest
Up from a shaft that’s rooted in groin
You are average length, thin and unspent,
Welling and swelling, and terribly bent.
Leaving behind images of hope turned fear
Thrusting me into an evening of beer
Sending me pictures and hoping I’ll save,
You are a crooked mast in need of a shave.
All the disgust and disappointment have purged themselves. I feel surprisingly calm. I hold the dick pic suspended a few feet above my head. I am open to the offending image.
Your dick pic was so irksome in my sight;
Yet being your own, at length photoshop would
Thy shortcomings amend, if so I could.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting a dick pic, and the other is getting yours.
I behold the wretch — the miserable monster whom I had help create. He takes up the entire screen; and this dick pic, if dick pic it might be called, is fixed on me. The veins throb, and it lurches forward disturbingly, while a single tear weeps from the tip. Your one hand is stretched out, seemingly to grip him, but I avert my eyes and delete the image. I take refuge in my Candy Crush challenges, where I remain during the rest of the night, dropping candy pieces up and down in the greatest agitation, listening attentively, catching and fearing each text sound as if it were to announce the approach of the demoniacal snake to which I had so unintentionally given life.
ZORA NEALE HURSTON
It seems to me that trying to look at your dick pic is like milking a bear to get cream for your morning coffee. It is a whole lot of trouble, and then not worth much after I do it.
Currently obsessed with Doctor Who and am counting down on other blogs toward new episode on March 30th. Had to share some not for younger fans coolness.
Artist who constructed a DW dildo lovingly titled the Tardis Tickler.
the top 6 Doctor Who dildo sex puns. (It was 10 originally but 4 of them weren’t worth regenerating.)
- It’s bigger on the inside.
- Next up — the Dalek buttplug.
- K-9 attachment only legal in Sweden and Denmark.
- Dildos are cool.
- Time And Relative Dimension In Sex.
- Come along, Pond.
As a nod to keeping this blog nominally about writing… would love to see and/or feature fan or slash fiction. Or share your favorite place to find the same.
So delicious Gwen, leader of Submission in Motion, has started posting daily writing prompts.
DG (Delicious Gwen):
Question of the Day for Dominants, and writing prompt for submissives: ( This is something I am going to try to do every day.)
For Dominants: What are your deal breakers?
Submissives writing prompt: I feel most submissive when…
I decided to play along. Writing this when I actually have some fiction I should be working on ie the sex on the beach with a sea goddess, sex alfresco (which I’m wondering if the editors will accept the old broken washer, hang the laundry outside sex story or if I should just revamp it for them so it’s “new”) the Russian transexual ballerina at the edge of the japo-russian war novella which weaves the gay ballet theme against a Russian fairy tale and the layers of “hiding” in plain sight. Or a poetry book mss for Headmistress Press.
My favorite answer to this question is HONESTY but that’s not exactly true is it? There are all sorts of ways in which people are and can be dishonest some of them active, some passive, some just wildly self-deluded. People define a lie in the same slippery way they define “sex” so that it includes and excludes whatever they want. First you define yourself as a non-liar and then by extension everything you do is a non-lie.
My long-term slave sometimes pretends to be asleep or not to have heard me or to be distracted with something if she sees a request coming of something she really doesn’t want to do. And while this type of deception pisses me off and insults my intelligence (she has decided it’s not a lie if it’s “unprove-able” ie how do you prove that someone wasn’t asleep, out of earshot or distracted), sometimes I let it slide. Because in the larger picture in an M/s relationship she’s not allowed to say “No”. Well, she can but it’s more like “yes, but” as in “yes, but can I finish this first” or BUT as in “but I thought we decided not to hang new curtains until you checked out the price of blinds” or “BUT I just sat down to play minecraft and all of my pigs are escaping.”
So what are a slave’s choices in that situation? She can do as she’s asked whenever she’s asked (and truthfully she does pretty good at that and I’m fairly impossible to please because I had in mind exactly how it should be done and that wasn’t it… like when I say “wash this”, the next time I ask for it, I expect it handed to me neat and clean not “oh, it’s in the hamper waiting until I have a full load.”) but can she do it cheerfully? Sorry to disappoint you Goreans. I’ve had a lot of slave girls over the decades but no one in a 24/7 lifestyle is cheerful about your laundry or task d’jour all the time. If she’s visiting for a long weekend, okay. But if this is a live-in, fulltime gig every time you interrupt a game, a phone call, a tv show or a task of hers to put your demand to the front of the queue, there will be the heavy drag of sullen feet, an eye-roll or even, forfend!, the terrible sigh.
I don’t know about you but for me THE SIGH is a rage-baiter. I will scream “WTF! If you have something to say say it. Otherwise STFU!” To which every slave everywhere says “I didn’t say anything.”
So when she’s lying there pretending to sleep when I call her to bring me something that she obviously thinks I can get myself or do without, sometimes I let the lie lay. We both know the score. If I want it and I want HER to get it, all I have to do is raise my voice and “wake her up”.
It isn’t strictly honest. So honesty isn’t always a dealbreaker. But it can be. Telling me everything is fine, and then posting a long rant on Facebook or Fetlife about how everything isn’t fine, is an unforgivable offense in my book. First you have a responsibility to communicate with your domme. (My job is to manage fuckall everything and I can’t do that with incomplete information.) So you’ve failed at your job and set me up to fail at my job and then you go on some public forum to draw ridicule/attention to my “failure” as your domme and to solicit sympathy from strangers?
This is not to say you can’t bitch to your friends. Of course, you can. An owner who won’t let you have friends is a psychopath, drop the laptop and run away now. You can even bitch to the friends who don’t like me. (If you can find any, I’m pretty damn likable.)
But the public rant is clearly meant to get back to me. Someone will point it out to me.
Them: “Sorry, you guys are having trouble.”
Me: “I’m sorry too. Uh, what trouble?”
Now instead of taking to me about a feeling or a need and making a request of specific action, I have a diary entry that rails against the unfairness of any world with me in and the hopelessness of any positive outcome plus a chorus of people reassuring her that none of it is her fault and if she needs a new domme or domicile moving vans are waiting for her call.
As far as I am concerned this is the only logical function of the public hue and cry. Damsel in distress putting herself on the auction block. At a minimum, it is meant as a threat putting the domme on notice. If the domme’s actions are criminal, abusive, bizarre or otherwise unintelligible, it can make sense to say “Has anyone else had the experience of Domme doing (insert objectionable action) and how did you deal with it?” Jesus, there are whole forums for that kind of dialogue. No one who isn’t stalking you (including me) is going to find that or object to it. And if my/her/their actions require remedying then that’s what community is there for to say “Get the hell out of dodge, girl. Your owner is crazy.”
But there are people out there with butterfly nets trying to swoop every chickadee out of the nest. It seems to be a dating strategy. Or rather an instead-of-dating strategy. Rescue dommes beware. Most of those wounded birds, that you think in the right hands would be perfect slaves (because she said “in the right hands I’d be perfect”) are just drama queens looking for some place to rest before they take flight again.
Dealbreakers: drama without function (I can live with a little theatre as long as it moves the plot or the agenda forward ie things get better), inability to accept criticism or do self-critical analysis, endless self-criticism/pitiful/irritating negative narcissism, dishonest in dealing with others (theft, cheating –not while you’re wearing my collar!), chronic dissatisfaction, cupboard/door-slamming, anti-community behavior.
Chronic dissatisfaction is when someone says they want to do whatever you want but then everything you suggest is “not that”. Goldilocks syndrome every spanking is too hard, too soft, just not right. I usually weed the Goldilocks masochists out in the preplay negotiation. Trust me… you really don’t want to own that. It’s like buying a car that looks amazing on the show room floor but is too fussy to drive off the lot.
Anti-community behavior is a situational evaluation. Often one of things people see as anti-community is “Gossip”. And I would agree that using the community grapevine to destroy someone’s relationships or reputation is serious. But far worse is to sit by and say nothing and allow predators and abusers and thieves to seek out new victims when you have information that could have prevented it.
Playing with known predators is a dealbreaker for me. I have ended long-term friendships over this. Inviting them into your dungeon, play party or scene-ing with them is an endorsement. I’m fairly stingy with my endorsements. If you have it, you’ve earned it. I am harder on dominants than submissives. Although the submissives who’ve earned a “warning away” label from me, may not agree.
So, Santa, got a nice little package for me. Is it a pearl necklace? Let start unwrapping…